Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
