Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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