So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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