i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
