plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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