I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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