It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
