Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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