I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
