glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
