at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
