6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
