What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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