he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
