So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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