i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
