I haven't been this sober since birth.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
