Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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