alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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