i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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