Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
