I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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