I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
