Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
