It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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