my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
