I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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