I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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