I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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