Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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