This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
