Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
