I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
barbara walters just said penis...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
