I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
