Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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