i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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