You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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