Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
