It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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