I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
