I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize