If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize