my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
