Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
