You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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