TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
