2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
