i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
