True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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