What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
