i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
