So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
