I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
