I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I touched a dick in church today
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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