4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
