tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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