i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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