he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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