I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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