Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
as a side note pls kill me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
