FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
