Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
