Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
